Finishing the Race

Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression
Proverbs 12:25 NKJV

Losing my mother so soon in life was difficult. There are so many more events in life I wanted to share with her. I had never been depressed before, but after my mom’s death I crawled up in the fetal position at one end of the couch. When I was awake, I watched one movie after another, show after show subconsciously trying to feel better inside. I felt mentally overwhelmed all the time, exhausted, frustrated, and continually looking for sweets and visual stimulation through TV hoping it would make me feel better. The heartache of losing my mom was an intensity I had never experienced before.

I was horrified that my family frequently saw me curled up on the couch after I came home from work. The former energetic businesswoman, mother, and wife was gone. I desperately wanted her back. Everyday, I made myself take a shower, put on makeup, and get dressed. The gentle, warm pounding of the shower on my spent body was therapeutic. That simple, but difficult task was so healing to me. With makeup on, when I looked in the mirror, restorative power came to my mind because I didn’t look as bad as I felt. I made sure to cut myself some slack if I needed sleep. I gave my body as much sleep as needed, understanding the importance of sleep for my mental and physical well-being.

Of course I did various things to try and shake off the depression. Even more surprising was the one thing that rescued me through all my other trials in life was the one thing I could not go to…my prayer time with God. I was so afraid in my alone time with God the soft tender spots in my heart would be touched, and I would feel pain and anguish all over again. I did not want to feel pain or sadness anymore. I avoided it at all costs.

Pushing God at arms length, I held onto my pain. Thank goodness I previously experienced the gentle, loving, and patient nature of God. He faithfully stands by me even when I do not have the strength to stand by Him. I was confident that even though I could not religiously perform or give anything into our relationship, He was always right there with me no matter how I felt. I knew even though I did not have the strength, nor the will to pray for any length of time, He understandingly carried me through this season. There was nothing I felt, or could have done, or not done that would have changed God’s love, care, and protection over me.

Depression is Not Forever

Do not allow condemnation to pressure you if you are in a season of depression. But be encouraged, depression is not forever because God loves you so much He does not want you to stay in a depressed state. He knows the times when you need human support and He sends those people your way. He is patient and knows how much you can handle at a time. He knows all the secret places in your heart. Remember He created you. He knows your thoughts. “You know my every thought…You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord…You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body…” (Psalm 139:2,4,13 NLT). He knows best how to meet your needs.

Those delicate inner parts of your body, soul, and spirit are precious to Him. He wants everything about you healthy and whole. He purposes to make that happen because all the promises in His Word are yes for your life. (Referenced from 2 Corinthians 1:20) May God heal all the places in your heart that hurt, are anxious, or feel broken. May you have the mind of Christ which brings life, healing, and hope. You are worth it.

Blessings to the health of your body, mind, and spirit!