My future husband held my hand as we walked into the clinic. “9-20-59, 9-20-59” repeated over and over in my head as I checked in. I was only sixteen and had to be seventeen to get an abortion without my parent’s consent. I lied about my age, and they did not ask for identification. The nurse brought me into a room to consult with me before the procedure and told me I was six weeks pregnant. She showed me a poster with four sketches of “what the fetus looks like.” Two cells, then two cells divided into four, four cells divided into eight…there was no harm in that. Several years later, I found out a six-week old baby has a heartbeat and is developed much further than a bunch of dividing cells. I lied to them; they lied to me.
I have a long list of shame and guilt if I allow the memories to creep back in my mind for more than a split second: Disobeying my parents, cussing, lying, stealing, drugs, drunkenness, pornography, sex, aborting my first baby…guilty as charged!! An accuser of my soul does exist. “…Satan the Accuser came with them.” (Job 1:6b NLT) However, no act of stupidity, wrongful act, or things done in secret surprised my Heavenly Father. Nor were these things too great, too small, or so horrible that I could not be forgiven because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me.
If I let my guard down, the accuser attempts to put thoughts in my head to try to steal, kill, and destroy my well-being by reminding me of all my wrong choices and make me believe I am still an unworthy person. I could agree like I used to and carry all this guilt, condemnation, and self-loathing, but I won’t do it anymore! To help me remember God’s unconditional love for me, I post scripture verses on my bathroom mirror. I believe every time truth is revealed, a little more of me is set free. It is a moment-by-moment choice to focus my thoughts on God’s truth.
My Mistakes Are Erased! So Are Yours!
God sent His son to die on a cross to erase the ugly mistakes you and I have made. It is written that there is a book up in heaven called the Book of Life, and after we ask God for forgiveness our name gets written in that book. It is a sealed agreement that when we die and pass onto the next life, we will lovingly be with our Heavenly Father forever.
If God can forgive you and I for all our mistakes and still adores us, to complete this healing process we must also choose to forgive ourself and let it go too. We need to stop condemning ourselves. God does not condemn us, and we need to follow suit. “There is no condemnation now for those who live in union with Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1 GNT)
Since God hears all our prayers spoken and unspoken, listed below is a prayer to help you walk in freedom from your past too: